The past four months have been filled with progress and it makes me so happy to see it. My kids have not been sick as often, and appear to be our typical happy children. Emma is getting ready to start Speech Therapy and her signing constantly improves. Daniel still rides with MARE and will start Pre-K with Inspire Charter School, where hopefully he will be able to receive Speech Therapy as well as attend a preschool.
I found out I was pregnant and have had to deal with the effects of depression on my prenatal body. The first trimester I could not take any medication- and now my medication has been changed for this pregnancy. I found I will have a C-section, for my health, and I have been coming to terms that during all 3 pregnancies I had depression. It is not uncommon for me to have the thought of a miscarriage come as a relief. Simply knowing that thought stems from the depression and not from my own desires is a huge relief and a step in healing.
I have moments during my day where I feel real joy, at times it comes when my Daniel wants to sit and only play the piano all day long, or when Emma continuously signs as she talks so I understand what she is saying, followed by an enthusiastic "YEA". Other times it comes when I sit and laugh at my children wanting time away from each other and they say "go away" and I know that my daily struggles are the same as everyone else's problems.
I have tools to help myself, my family is always my first. My faith gives me an anchor and strength, and Yoga has been a great resource for community, learning, and stress relief. I have to remind myself that this baby puts off some of my goals for another year or two, but I remind myself that my Senior Teacher, Carolyn Belko, told me she heard Mr. Iyengar state, The first two years of a child's life is a mother's yoga. That phrase helps me be ok with delaying my life plans. Because I know that there is no greater institution in this world than the Family, and that "children are an heritage of the Lord".
I know with help this pregnancy will be my best because unlike the others I am prepared for the hard times, and I can truly savor the good.