Wednesday, May 13, 2020


These past two months for me have been miracles, and I do not say that lightly. I have struggled so much with my mental health over the past 7 years. Then as if something just clicked, I don't know if it was my new therapist, my hormones decided to start working again, or what but my body started reacting positively to the medication that I have been taking for the last 3 years.

This is where I was in March, I was not ready to post this to everyone. But I find it amazing the difference 2 months has made. 

"As I work on what my therapist wants me to do, and I work on what I want to do. This week has been a hard week for me, emotionally. I have been able to keep up what my therapist has set up as homework. But I have been struggling with my daily Lent goal of giving up excess sleeping. 
When I feel like this I start to run in circles, trying to find a place where I can find some movement. Where I feel like I can say I am progressing. I start running through the same old tracks. 
Education- Job- House-
I go through familiar websites, familiar blogs, sometimes I find a new angle to something and I am able to try to maybe move an inch or two in a new direction, which then turns all my attention to that one track. But I am still stuck in the middle of the road, with paths that all leading back to the beginning. Until I figure out how to get lifted out of here. 

So this poem is me, me when I am frustrated, me looking for the end of my trials. 

I'm Stuck

Stuck in a rut with nowhere to go Stuck in a hole that drives me below Stuck, stuck, stuck I can’t get out
All I want is to say 1...2…3… and 4 All I want is to the chance to do a little bit more For my body to have the chance to change and win To grow to move and not suffocate within
I feel my breath choke me inside I feel my stomach squeeze me tight I see a glimmer and I run for the light Tripping and falling till I find the end in sight
The end is a hole at the top of a mine shaft With rocks so huge I leap over and try to handcraft And engineer a way up till my body is tired and sinks I cry and cry for all I want is this trial to end in a blink.
The light dims and I look up from my spot I see a hand and a rope straight and taught I grab hold of the rope and slowly start to climb Past the boulders, past where I had fallen, up out of the mine
I am out of the hole, I can finally breathe,I collapse on the floor and say “who made me free”I want to turn and thank my friend for the rope but instead of one friend I see a legion who always held hope
Hope I would come out,Hope I would be free Hope I would make it Hope I would get to be me."

All of a sudden I woke up out of a fog. I wanted to get out of bed before 10 or 11.  I set a goal to be out of bed around 9, there were days I was happy to be out of bed at 5:30 (then my kids woke up with me so I stopped that). I wake up refreshed, ready for a new day.

I am excited to teach my children at home. I can handle this idea of crisis teaching, and my children are thriving. I know they are thriving because I am thriving.

This is nothing less than a miracle. Now this does not mean I do not have my downs.

With hormones coming back into my life I get the normal cycle which includes a depression cycle, but unlike before this one goes away.

Then the past few days my OCD has been off the charts. But even during that time I have been able to make small gains, make my bed, go to the store, rotate laundry, start the dishwasher. Things that before were impossible for me I can now do with a simple reminder.

I know this is not an easy time for many people, but for me it has been a blessing. I just hope and pray that everyone gets their blessing and miracle when they need it most too.

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