Tuesday, May 19, 2020

One leap forward and two leaps back

My new lithograph by Picasso- to me it depicts joy of sharing and helping others. 
This last week to two weeks have been rough. I was flying high and beyond fantastic, feeling I could take on the world and everything in it.
  • Home school, check. 
  • Garden, check. 
  • Bike rides with kids, check
  • Make dinner for family, check
  • Keep house clean, check
  • Do projects around the house, check
  • Be present with my kids, check check check
  • Focus on husband's needs now the attention is off me, check. 
Everything I have been dreaming I could be as a mom I was able to be. Life was fantastic.

But then one day, it was hard to wake up. I had to force myself to make my bed. At 9 I had to remind myself to get the kids started on chores- poop scoop and water the garden, then school work. While I made them breakfast (a smoothie- nothing fancy 99% of the time). 

Then I had to sit with them, it was hard to continue to be around them. They didn't fight, they were being good, I just got bored easily. Michael was either playing beyblades or watching TV. Getting out to drive for lunch I was very anxious to do. We even left a little early- which means we ate a little early, and I gave them time to play outside before nap time. Not out front, just out back. Give me some more breathing time. Then I put them all down for a nap, yes even Daniel, my 8 year old. During that time I would sleep, be on the computer or work on one of my many projects or house chores. Chores still were a struggle to do, but I could do them. 

The day continued on like this, everything felt like a struggle whereas the previous week the days were a joy. Since having children I have never had a day feel like a joy. I have been excited for an event, or for a present, but not just to wake up and live an everyday day. That is the closest to feeling that way. 

That week ended and I was hopeful for a better week this week. But no, my OCD really kicked in and I felt like I did a year ago. I even found out new compulsions I had, and why I have a hard time playing video games like Animal Crossing- it drives my OCD up the wall, I can watch my husband play but not my kids, and I cannot. haha. 

The last few days I have been receiving help from family, friends, and therapists. I am very lucky I have such an amazing support group. Not many people do. I can utilize this time to be creative and write poetry and children stories. I can find ways to be productive in my life and not just a shell of a person, while I wait for that happy time to come back into my life. 

My OCD is very much ingrained into who I am. I do not know how to separate it from me. Do I in my head because of OCD or because some people count repetitive things? To me I thought everyone counted their steps when they ran... now being in Marching Band I don't think helped that at all, but I do what I can to work with who I am and become my best self possible. 

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